karma's a bitch

yeah so for those who havent heard: got my rent money stolen that my mom gave me at a party. $260 whole dollars poof! gone. don't really know who did it. there was a gooooood amount of crying on my part--more about what my mom was gonna do and say to me rather than the money missing itself. what everyone kept telling me was "karmas a bitch. you're a good person. they'll get whats coming to them." well, fuck. that may be true. but that really doesnt help me. that makes karma seem as some sort of revenge tactic. like TAKE THAT! KARMA ATTACK. as if it were some magic spell. when honestly i dont really care what happens to that person. i just want my money back.

then there was the consoling words of "don't worry you'll make it back. or you can borrow from me." and i appreiciated it so much. i really did that friends were willing to lend me that much money. but thing is its still money ill have to pay back. $260 is so much to my family. its not like we had that money to spare just lying around. all ill ever be able to think about when i make the $260 back is i could be $260 richer if that "sjhfshdfs"*didnt feel the need for the foul name calling** didn't take my money. and even if i can make it later. i needed it so badly then. i needed it. it left me with so my regret that night. i really blame myself: i shouldn't have brought the money, i shouldn't have left my bag unattended, i am such an idiot, im so naive. and my dear mother had pretty much that same train of thought.

"being happy isn't hard. its only when your pretending that it becomes difficult and tiresom."
and i really havent been the same since that friday. thing is, i feel sad when i think about it. and when i laugh i feel like i should be feeling bad--which makes me feel worse. i want my mom to know that i am sorry.